When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
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I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!