If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
You Might Also Like
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.