Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
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“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
me working on my assignments ^-^
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.