New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
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Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this