ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
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Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Sorry not sorry.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
😂😂😂😂😂😂
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
The opposite of goth is stopth.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it