Kids: Stay in school.
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Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Breaking news:
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”