Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
You Might Also Like
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator