[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
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melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero