There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
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Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time