“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
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last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
inventing words: clothing
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
My neck, my back, my…
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Why is everyone getting married at me
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.