I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
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Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign