Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
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I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on