Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
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It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
I laughed at this way too hard.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
My blood type is coffee.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?