I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
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I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single