When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
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The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
this is literally a CIA plant
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.