My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
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Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.