Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
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me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this