You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
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It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.