Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
You Might Also Like
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle