Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
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I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
“just sayin” who asked you though?
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Generation gap…
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.