I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
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guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Mountain Goat : )
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore