What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
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It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
A tragic love story in two pictures.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her