馃幍Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR馃幎
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Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
It鈥檚 normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i鈥檓 feeling ok
therapist: great! let鈥檚 ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Me: I don鈥檛 think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
I feel like maybe I shouldn鈥檛 have eaten that last taco 馃
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it鈥檚 against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
I know sacrifice. I鈥檓 willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
My body feels like it鈥檚 aging in dog years
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
God: letting you name each other鈥檚 breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I鈥檓 so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn鈥檛 know we were being serious.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.