My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
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If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.