You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
You Might Also Like
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
*frowns in Scottish*
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.