I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
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Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
From Facebook just now…