Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
You Might Also Like
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
why I oughta