Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
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I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Get in loser we’re going crying
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons