I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
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ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
ACED my prostate exam!
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.