Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
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No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Botany good plants lately?
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.