“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
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Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.