what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
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*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
back to work
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.