*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
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if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?