the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
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You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
This is my emotional support knife.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road