The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
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[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..