Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
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me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo