If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
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Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Siri, fight Alexa.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
I think I’m having a stroke
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb