GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
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When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
just left a huge legacy in there
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.