Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
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[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”