Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
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This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Easy enough.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.