Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.

[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think

I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.

I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.

Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”

5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”

Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”

5-year-old: “……yeah!”

Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”

😒🤦‍♂️😒🤦‍♂️

My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.

NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*

Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams

A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”

First date:

Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick

Little known fact:

Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.

[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”

And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?

Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”

[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS

SE: -on your sub?

ME: PUPPERONI

‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body

[first date]

Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.

Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.

FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?

Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.

Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more

I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.

Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.

Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.

“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s

My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.

Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”

Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”

Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar