FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
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My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
The three genders.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Current mood: Potato
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Happens to everyone.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this