I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
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I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
✌️
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”