Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
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Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Aaaa…CHOO!
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Watson was Holmes schooled
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.