Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
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The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame