Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
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great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Friday
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?