I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
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ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title