[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
You Might Also Like
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Doctors texting each other.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
We have a winner.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.