serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
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Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.