My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
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Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine